


get lost darling (with me, i mean, with me)

by majesdane



Category: Skins (US)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-17
Updated: 2011-05-17
Packaged: 2017-10-19 12:22:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/200809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Just you wait, Tea Marvelli, Michelle laughs. Just you wait.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	get lost darling (with me, i mean, with me)

Michelle is Tony's girl.

This is one of those unquestioned facts, one of those things she innately knows, just like she knows snow is cold and every morning the sun will come up; Michelle is Tony's girl, has been for years now, and probably still will be for years after now, maybe even fucking forever, if it comes to that. Michelle is Tony's girl. Tea can't even remember when they first started dating, all of a sudden Tony and Michelle became _Tony and Michelle_ and that was that. Like everything with Tony, you didn't bother to question it, you just accepted it, like it or not.

Tea is not a one woman kind of girl. She doesn't like the idea of being tied to one person -- and it really does feel like being tied down, like the end of a kite string wedged under a rock or a boat moored in a harbor, there is no being free at all -- and so she flits from one girl to the next, usually only sticking to one for just a night at a time, but always never long enough to get attached. Some girls she likes better than others; there are some girls that make her think _just maybe_ , but in the end, she always leaves. No girl she's ever met has ever been the reason she would stay.

Someday you'll fall in love, Michelle says, with a smirk, looking up from the floor where she's painting her toenails a bright blue color, as blue as a summer's day in August. Someday some totally hot girl is going to come along and you're going to be head over heels in love and you're not going to know what to do with yourself. And I am going to say _I so fucking told you so_.

You don't know that, Tea says, rolling her eyes and flipping her phone open and closed, open and closed, bored as hell. You can't possibly know that.

Oh, I know that I am definitely going to find it hilarious.

No, not that, Tea says, annoyed. The part about falling in love.

Michelle looks up again, grins infuriatingly at her. Well, maybe I don't. But neither do you; and that's why it will be so funny when it finally happens.

Tea says, Fuck you.

Just you wait, Tea Marvelli, Michelle laughs. Just you wait.

  
;;

  
She picks a girl up ten minutes after they've arrived at a new club Tony heard about -- they don't check ID, it's the easiest fucking place she's gotten into, which means it's absolute shit -- and drags her into the bathroom where they kiss sloppily in the back stall without even bothering to make sure the door's locked. Tea doesn't even remember the girl's name, something that begins with a _R_ maybe, as she hikes the girl's skirt up around her waist and slips a hand down the front of the girl's underpants. All she can think about is Michelle, sitting on her floor laughing -- _just you wait_ \-- and it makes her work that much harder to get the girl off as quickly as possible, because really, fuck Michelle.

She kisses the girl once before heading back out to where everyone's on the dance floor. She leaves the girl a panting, sweaty mess, with a dazed look in her eyes; Tea doesn't care about her. She doesn't care about any of the girls that she picks up in clubs -- or at parties or bars or school or anywhere else, really, because none of them are interesting. None of them have what she wants.

(She doesn't know what she wants, but she knows it's not _them_.)

Michelle eyes her as Tea passes by Tony and Michelle dancing, pressed up against each other like they can never be close enough. She'll never understand it, why after all this time Michelle is still with Tony and what makes Tony come back to Michelle always and always, no matter how many girls he may kiss -- or fuck -- on the side. It just doesn't make any sense.

 _Love_ , she thinks, and then hates herself for it; downs three shots of J.D. like she can just wash the thought right out of her mind.

  
;;

  
It's not so much that she hates them together.

She really doesn't.

It's just, she's getting really tired of having to cheer Michelle up every time Tony decides he's going to run for the Dick of the Year award and does something stupid -- never unforgivable, of course, nothing ever is with Michelle, but stupid nonetheless. Stupid enough to hurt and it's what sends Michelle to her, always, as if the fact that she's been Tony's friend almost as long as Stanley has means somehow she can explain why Tony acts the way he does. Why he says the things he says.

The unspoken, too, is -- you're just like Tony; you hurt the way he can hurt. You don't care about anyone else but yourself; you don't give a fuck about what the girls you leave behind feel. And it's this that stings the most, when Michelle wraps her arms around Tea's waist and cries into her shoulder.

I just don't understand, Michelle says, in a high, strained voice.

Neither do I, Tea says, but it sounds like a lie. It _feels_ like a lie, heavy and bitter on her tongue, and she wishes she could just _say_ something, but she can't -- there's nothing to say that hasn't already been said a hundred times before. Sorry. Tony is a bastard. A dick. A fucking asshole. She's already said it; once more won't mean anything. Sorry, she says, weakly, absently stroking Michelle's hair as they stand together awkwardly in the middle of Tea's bedroom.

It's completely unexpected what happens next: Michelle pulls back and then pushes in and presses her lips against Tea's own. Kisses her. Simply. The world turns over and suddenly the light shines in a way that it hasn't before, not for a very long time. Michelle kisses her and Tea is stunned into complete inaction, one hand on the back of Michelle's head, stilled, and another on the small of her back, pressed flat against the curve.

Michelle, Tea says slowly, stupidly, when they break apart. Michelle sinks down on the edge of Tea's bed; Tea looks anywhere but at her. She looks at the rows of photos of girls taped on her bedroom walls, looks out the window into the street where cars roll by slowly and the sound of their throbbing basses drifts up through the thin silence of the evening. Michelle, Tea says again.

I just wanted, Michelle starts. Stops. Tries again: I just wanted to see what was lovable about you, she says.

What?

Even the worst things are lovable in some way, Michelle says, stares up from the bed with wide, shining eyes. The thing is, I don't know -- I don't know what it is that I love about Tony, exactly. I used to, but I don't any more. I don't think so. So I thought -- well, you sort of get it, you know? You get Tony. And you're -- like -- I thought -- maybe if I knew what there was that was lovable about you, I'd remember what I loved about him.

No, Tea says, hands slowly closing into fists. Just, stop.

Sorry.

It's fine. Just stop.

They stay in the awkward silence until it gets to be unbearable, until Tea finally says, Look, I've got homework to do.

It's a weak excuse, but it's all they need, really. Right, Michelle says, stands, looks at her once again, just a fleeting glance, before her gazes darts away again. She's looking at somewhere above and behind Tea's head when she says, Well, all right then. I'll see you tomorrow.

Wait, Tea says, as Michelle's at the door.

Michelle doesn't stop.

  
;;

  
If Michelle had stayed --

No. She doesn't let herself think about that.

  
;;

  
She's got one arm wrapped around a girl's waist as they stumble downstairs, fresh from hooking up in what was probably someone's parent's bedroom, when Michelle's there, suddenly. And it's not as if Michelle's not used to see Tea hooking up with a different girl each night, but it feels _wrong_ now and even though Michelle's gaze isn't accusing, it _seems_ like it is and Tea's throat closes up and it feels like she's choking.

Hey, Michelle says, swaying a bit, clutching a bottle of vodka. Who's this?

Oh, just Mandy, Tea says, even as the girl glares at her and corrects her -- _Samantha_. Right.

Nice. Michelle take a swig of vodka, grimaces as she swallows. Licks her lips. All Tea can think is, she kissed me with those lips. She pressed her lips against mine and kissed me. She wanted to know what parts of me could be loved. She wanted to know if I was lovable. She needed me so she could figure out why she does or has or did love Tony. She needed to know and so I told her, even though I didn't mean to. I didn't know what was being asked, but I answered anyway. It was really that simple.

(Simply. She kissed me.)

Where's Tony? she asks.

Michelle shrugs. Don't know. Kitchen. Getting something to drink. We're going upstairs in a minute or two; she laughs, sways again, takes another swallow of vodka. How're you? Satisfied? You look it.

Tea flushes herself despite herself. Come on, she says to Samantha, tightening her grip around Samantha's waist. Let's something to drink. She leads the way down the rest of the stairs, patently ignoring Michelle's look as she does so. Tea knows that kind of look; _you are just like him_ , the look says. It makes her feel sick, twisting her stomach into knots. She pulls Samantha in for a kiss because she knows Michelle will still be looking and for some reason, the thought of her watching is absolutely thrilling.

She can't figure it out.

(And she doesn't want to. Not now.)

(Not ever.)

  
;;

  
I'm not really good at shopping, Daisy complains, as Tea drags her through the aisles of clothes. Really. You know this. Why did you ask me to come along anyway? You always ask Michelle -- because she actually gives a fuck.

Michelle's busy, Tea lies.

Lying has always been easier than telling the truth. But she lies more easily now when the lies are about Michelle; the words slip out of her mouth as if she has absolutely no control over them. Her mouth is a sieve and the words are like water. Busy. Grounded. Out with Tony. It doesn't matter if it's true or not and anyway, Tea wouldn't know because she hasn't talked to Michelle in weeks. They see each other, yes, it's impossible not to. But they don't talk.

Just a nod here or a sentence there. Enough to get by and nothing more.

Yeah, busy sucking Tony's cock, probably, Daisy grumbles, and it's not supposed to mean anything -- of _course_ it isn't -- but for some reason Tea feels her throat close up again and it feels like she's back at that party again, a month earlier. She stares down at the piles of neatly folded blouses on sale and tries not to think of anything at all. Focuses on the design of the shirt in front of her, the faded, swooping letters and the splatter of graphics. Don't think, she tells herself. Don't fucking think.

You okay? Daisy asks, later, when they're in the car.

Tea nods. Yeah, fine.

Daisy gives her a look. Really. I know that you're not, Tea; you're a terrible liar.

It's only because you've known me for so long, Tea tells her, as Daisy starts the car and plugs her iPod into the radio jack. And anyway, I'm not lying. I'm fine. Just, maybe a bit tired. It took forever for me to come down off those pills last night. I didn't think I was ever going to fall asleep.

Yes, well, thank fuck for skipping school, Daisy says, grinning. No having to worry about sleeping through class.

Not like it would matter anyway, Tea says and they both laugh.

(She is not upset.)

(She is fine.)

  
;;

  
The evening after, she hooks up with a girl named Alex who looks like a wannabe punk-pop singer with her bottle blond hair with a streak of pink and an industrial in one ear. She bites down so hard on Tea's lip when they kiss, when she comes, that she draws blood; the metallic taste is almost overpowering and Tea's glad because at least Alex doesn't taste like _her_. Her kisses don't taste salty, like she's been crying.

Anything is better than that.

Am I going to see you again? Alex asks, as Tea straightens herself out in the floor length mirror of the club bathroom, pressing down on her top to smooth out the wrinkles and combing her fingers through her hair until she looks mildly presentable again. Tea's eyes meet Alex's through the mirror and she shrugs.

Dunno. Maybe.

I'd like to.

Yeah, sure, Tea says, and turns around to kiss Alex to keep her from saying anything else.

  
;;

  
Haven't seen you in a while, Michelle says, touches Tea's arm lightly.

We just fucking saw each other last night, Tea tells her. Jerks her arm away.

That's not what I meant, Michelle says and her tone is sad. That's not what I meant at all.

For a brief, fleeting moment, Tea feels bad. She wishes she could stop being such a bitch, but she just _can't_. She doesn't know why; she wishes she did because then she could fix it. Or at least explain it. But the simple truth is, she doesn't understand it. Simply, she can't stand to see Michelle laughing into Tony's mouth as he kisses her.

Simply, things are not simple at all.

But then the moment passes and Tea goes off to find Daisy and Abbud and leaves Michelle on the couch, alone, gripping a bottle of whiskey and waiting for Tony to come find her. Or come back. It doesn't matter either way, really. In the end, it is always about him. _Always_. Michelle is Tony's girl; she should know this by now. She always has been and she always will be. There is no explaining how or why. It is just what it is: the truth.

  
;;

  
(Michelle knows. Surely she must know. And if Michelle knows, that means so does Tony.)

(Fuck. _Fuck_.)

She's yours if you want her, Tony says. Do you?

Fuck you, Tea says, clenches her hands into fists; she feels a stab of pain as her nails dig into her palm. I know what you're doing, Tony, so really just, fuck you.

Tony grins at her, a wicked, wolfish kind of grin. Not quite the denial I was expecting, he says.


End file.
